My, how time flies.
I am not sure how time slips away. I guess other things become more important and we lose sight on other things, maybe things we don't want to see. That sure is how I am feeling right now.
Looking back at old blog posts, I posted back in December 2010, an embarassing overweight picture of myself and how determined I was to lose the weight. Then back in May-July 2011 more posts about buckling down and losing weight. And then in January of this year, the same thing again.
Obviously losing weight is something I felt strongly about so I am not sure why I am still sitting her, March 2012, about to write the same post I have written time and time again.
I feel embarassed. and I feel defeated.
For the past few years, I have had failed attempt after failed attempt at weight loss. I am not sure what causes me to fail. For some reason, I just give up and stop trying. When I start to see success, I give up. I don’t know why. You would think success would make you keep going. But not for me, and I don’t know why.
I don’t know what will be different about this attempt. I sure hope it is the last but I still haven’t figured out what makes me stray. At times I say I hate feelings restricted. Other times I say I love being on a “plan.” At times I say healthy food is great and others it’s not. I am not sure what is going on in my mind but something inside me feels defeated and very confused. Something inside me has given up. But, I know I have not given up 100% because I still want to try, I am just not sure how. So, I am going to try again. I hope that through keeping a journal, I can figure out what is going on in my mind and body and why I have been my own worst enemy the past few years.
I heard something on TV tonight that a daughter said about her dad. She said her dad hates asking for help because he sees it as a sign of failure. Anyone who knows me well knows that I do NOT like asking for help. I don’t know why I am this way. I guess I always wanted to be strong and do it on my own. But now that I really think about it, I have felt like asking for help is a sign of weakness. I hate recognizing that I am fat because I do feel like a failure. How can so many other moms out there be so damn skinny after having kids and I am so overweight? I get it - I don’t have those lucky genes. So, I have to actually work for it. Doesn’t it suck how some people eat anything they want and are always super skinny? I’m sure you know someone like that. This is me throwing myself a pity party – it’s just not fair!
But, life isn’t fair. And I realize that.
I know I have blogged very similar blogs as this multiple times in the past. It is just a problem I have that I have not found the strength, and courage, to overcome.
If you would, please pray for God to help give me guidance and clarity and the strength both mentally and physically to beat this battle. This seems to be the one lingering battle in my life that I have not been able to beat. I have realized this and I am asking for help – from you and from the Lord.
Tammy
