In a slump...

I haven't posted much lately, which I guess is due to nothing new or exciting going on...

So, I think I have kind of fell into a slump. I have been so stressed out and exhausted, for so many reasons...

- I cannot keep my house clean, no matter how hard I try.
When I do clean, it seems to go back to being a train wreck within a matter of 1-2 days.
When I do clean, my back hurts so bad afterwards and remains hurting for about a week.

- I am having an extremely difficult time staying afloat with 7 college courses, 5 of which are self tauhgt (online.)

- I feel like a bad mother because I do not have Colton on a routine because I feel like I always have so much other stuff to do.

- I have a baby coming in less than 3 months that I am no where ready for. Her room is only half painted (which isn't that big of a deal) but her room is still full of unused furniture and Kyle's junk. Our house is so small and lacks so much storage that we just do not have room for everything that we have. Thus, her baby furniture is still in storage.

- This pregnancy has been so hard on me mentally and physically and I still have almost 3 months left.
I was naucious and throwing up for almost 6 months straight. I am now naucious again and on medication for acid reflux. I have been hurting so badly. The dr. said that because I have already had a baby, my ligaments are like a rubberband, they have already been stretched so this time around, the baby feels much heavier because I do not have the support that I did the first time around. I have been so exhausted that I feel like I do not have energy for anything. If I do not get at least 10 hours of sleep, I feel tired and crappy and naucious all day.

- Sometimes I feel like a prisoner in my own home. With being on a single income, I am limited on the activities Colton and I can do on a regular basis that have costs. Sometimes it just gets mentally exhausting always being with a toddler, and only being with a toddler.... I eat with a toddler, play with a toddler, conversate with a toddler, use the restroom with a toddler, etc.

- Kyle and I struggle to be understanding of each other. Kyle works a lot, usually 60-70 hours a week. Most nights he does not get home until about 10pm (which is why I am home with a toddler so much, all day, every day.) He is exhausted from work all day and all he wants to do is chill in the quietness. However, when he gets home, all I want to do is talk because I have not had any adult conversation. It's really hard for us to come together because we both want such different things at the end of the day.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, this evening I was in class and part of our lecture discussed the pros and cons of high quality child care vs. poor quality child care and the effect it has on children. The discussion lead to the topic of children having a stronger bond with their mothers because the child is provided with a safe environment. The question was asked, "Why is it that mothers who work full time and their children go to daycare tend to spend more 'quality' time with their children?" No one really said anything and one girl answered "Maybe because they feel like their child will have a stronger bond with the teacher since they are with her more." The teacher asked, "anyone else?" I sat there debating on if I should answer. I slowly raised my hand. "I think it is because when you are at work all day away from your children, it makes you miss them more and appreciate the little bit of time that you have with them more." I lead on to say "I used to work full time and my son was in daycare. I am now home with him every day. I am ashamed to say, but I do not spend nearly as much quality time with him that I used to. I think it is because I am with him every minute of every day and I don't have the time to miss him. I also get wrapped up in the things that I need to do and our daily routine of being together, that I just forget to appreciate the time together." The teacher thanked me for my response. It got me thinking, a lot. Colton used to be in daycare and was in a learning environment. Now, he is at home and we don't do educational activities on a daily basis. I have taught him his colors, which I am very porud of. However, I feel like the tv has been his entertainment entirely way too much. Don't get me wrong, he has learned A LOT from watching tv. (I do select which shows he watches, all of which are educational, with the exception of Sponge Bob that he loves and gets to watch on occassion.) I have felt pretty down in general just from everything that I feel like I am responsible for doing. To try and solve this problem, I have decided to try and set goals for myself...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This weekend, I am going to try and develop a routine for the following that I will hopefully start next week....

- Develop a routine for housework. I am going to take Mrs. Stacy's advice and focus one day on a certain chore. (Ex: one day is laundry day, one day is disinfecting bathrooms, one day is colton's room, one day the master bedroom, etc.)

- Develop a daily routine for Colton and I (regular wake up time, nap time and bed time; regular meal and snack times; regular reading time, coloring time, art time, outside play time, and tv time which is when i will do my school works.)

- I am also going to check out some Mother's Day Out programs and part time day care programs to see what the costs are for colton to go a few days a week so that he can have interaction with other children.

- Try to get together with the few friends that I have on a regular basis.

These are a lot of goals, and very big goals, but i think if I implement them, I will start to feel better and less stressed out.


Thanks for reading and letting me vent! I feel a little better now.

p.s. I did not proof read this because it's too long and I am just too tired.